berthahenson

The art of lying Part 2

In News Reports, Society on October 3, 2012 at 1:25 am

Here’s a DIY list on how to manage court appearances and handle questioning:
a. Remove all traces of yourself online to prevent CSI-types from piecing together anything incriminating about you.
b. Move house.
c. Change jobs. In fact, it’s preferable to remain unemployed for a while.
d. Not enough to delete SMSes. Throw away your phone. Burn your SIM card.
e. Get your other half to come to court. And to smile no matter how bad the going is for you.
f. Stare ahead when you walk in and out of court, preferably behind Fendi sunglasses.
g. Never eyeball your accuser. You might like him.
h. Don’t answer leading questions. For example, “So you admit you had sex with him?’’ Reply: “That, Sir, is a penetrating question. But it is also a leading one.’’
i. Don’t fall into traps. For example, “I put it to you that you were willing to have oral sex with him. Reply: “Sir, I have already said I was very vocal in my objections.’’
j. Get help from a higher authority. For example, “Your Honour, I am the victim here.’’
k. Plead confusion and mental instability when caught out on a lie. Add that you are off your meds for bipolar disorder.
l. Accuse the cops of intimidation. For example, “They turned the aircon up, questioned me for 60 hours without food and drink. Worse, I had Facebook withdrawal symptoms. ’’
m. Blame the media for biased reporting. Add that they didn’t photograph your good side.
n. Get some bodyguards to fend out pesky media and nosey gawkers. Four or five would be good. Taller and bigger than you. With sunglasses. Preferably paid by the state.

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